What's the Problem

In our work with victims of sexual assault, we hear many cries for help. Sometimes they are clearly audible, but usually it is a suppressed cry, evidenced only by tears. It recalls that of Tamar, daughter of David, after her brother Amnon drove her away from his presence: “And Tamar put ashes on her head, and tore the robe of many colors that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went away crying aloud” (2 Samuel 13:19).

The abuse Tamar endured did not end the moment she cried out for help. Her brother Absalom, despite all his love for her, did what most people do when they hear about sexual abuse. He silences her cry: “Now therefore, my sister, hold your peace… do not take this thing to heart” (v. 20). Absalom ignores her emotional distress and focuses on his own turmoil.

In the two additional words Absalom says to Tamar—”he is your brother”—echoes the tendency to silence the story and hide the dirty laundry, in an attempt to protect the good name of the crown prince, the community, the organization, the body, the Messiah.

When word of Tamar’s tragedy reaches the ears of the highest authority of those days, it does anger him; after all, David is both king and father. But he too does not deal properly with Amnon, and certainly not with Tamar. Amnon is not removed from his position as future crown prince, and Tamar continues to live in utter desolation in the house of her brother Absalom. To the best of our knowledge, this is how her life remained until her last day.

As disciples of the Messiah, we must address sexual assault with a different spirit than that which characterized Absalom or David. We must be attentive to the cry for help and even join it.

The “Naeira” Center was established following requests and complaints that came to us from various communities and organizations in Israel regarding sexual abuse that occurred within their frameworks. The picture that emerges is grim. Our aspiration is to shed light on what is done in darkness, to raise awareness of the existence of this painful problem, to clarify its scope, and to help both female victims, male victims, their environment, and even offenders who are interested in rehabilitation.

?What Does the Word of God Say About This

The Torah contains detailed laws dealing with sexual abuse, but not all of them are easy for the modern ear. The laws of the Torah are not always easy to understand. Some are challenging and raise questions. Nevertheless, we can learn from them how God views the offender, the victim, and the community. Even if the commandments of the Torah are not perceived today as official and binding law, this is the Word of God, and therefore it is our duty to learn how to derive from it essential principles that we can apply today.

Deuteronomy 22:23-27 speaks of the rape of a betrothed young woman. Verse 26 even goes so far as to define rape as murder of the soul!

If the young woman was raped in the city and did not cry out for help, she is to be stoned along with the one who raped her. In contrast, a young woman who was raped in the “field” will not be stoned together with the rapist, whether she cried out or not. On the surface, it seems that the law requires the victim to make her voice heard, and that she bears the responsibility to prevent or stop the assault. But a deeper reading clarifies that the victim’s ability to make her voice heard is connected to the responsibility and obligation of her environment to hear the cry and come to her aid.

The “city” in this passage may be any place where the victim cries out with the assumption that someone will hear her.

In other words, this commandment sees the responsibility of the environment as self-evident. The environment must be attentive to their voices and extend help to them.

Our communities can become such “cities”—cities of refuge where victims can make their voices heard, with the clear knowledge that there is someone who will hear and come to their aid. But communities can also, unfortunately, be a “field”—a place where the voices of victims are not heard, to the point that they rarely raise them.

How to put this delicately? In light of the grim statistics, which make clear that sexual abuse occurs around us all the time, it can be said that if over time no one cries out or complains about abuse, there is reason for concern. It is appropriate for everyone to examine the extent to which they and the environment they are part of, or even responsible for, are a “field” or a “city.” In other words, to what extent do we constitute a safe place and space for victims, especially when it comes to sexual harassment?

The Situation in Israel

We do not have data describing the state of the Body of Messiah in the land, but if this reflects anything, over the years we have encountered dozens of cases.

When someone complains to the leadership of a congregation about sexual abuse that occurred within its walls, the tendency is to try to handle the complaint within the framework of the congregation, out of concern for damage to its good name, or from the thought that forgiveness and repentance are sufficient to solve the problem. Sometimes the congregation refrains from reporting to the authorities so as not to harm the offender’s family or his future, but the law requires reporting at least some of the cases.

But even when dealing with incidents that do not fall under mandatory reporting obligation, almost all congregations and organizations have not undergone the necessary training for handling victims of sexual assault or the offenders themselves, are not authorized to investigate complaints or enforce appropriate discipline, and are also unfamiliar with the dynamics that exist between sex offenders and victims or the required treatment approaches.

The rehabilitation process for each victim may last many years, and it requires the involvement of experienced professionals.

A simple fact must be taken into account: the Messianic community has difficulty recognizing the weaknesses of those in spiritual authority. When the complaint is directed at one of the leaders, it is difficult for the immediate environment to contain the contradiction between the esteem they have for that person and what is implied by the complaint. We have already encountered a tendency to defend the good name of the offender and to condemn the victim instead, and even to treat her with contempt. There have been cases where leaders suggested that the offender ask for forgiveness or send the victim a letter of apology, and that was the extent of their handling of the complaint. We have also encountered threats of slander, with cynical exploitation of the Word of God.

How should the congregation or organization handle such a complaint? The Migdalor toolkit answers all these questions.

Stories from the Field

The stories are real, the names are fictitious

Aviva

Aviva enrolled in her youth in a Messianic summer camp, where she fell in love with one of the counselors, despite the significant age gap between them. This was a believing, cheerful young man, active and respected in the community. Aviva was impressed by his mature faith and his appearance, and soon the two were engaged in deep conversations. The attention and support he provided strengthened and encouraged her.

At a certain point the relationship became romantic. At first, the conversations deepened Aviva’s relationship with God, but soon the tables turned and the counselor forced himself on her.

Anxiety and panic attacks were one of the immediate consequences. Aviva detected no remorse or pangs of conscience in him. He began talking about marriage, and her fears only grew.

She felt trapped within her commitment to him. For a while she thought he had simply made a mistake when he forced himself on her, that this is how it is with men. After all, he himself defined his behavior as normative when he told her that “this sometimes happens to couples who are about to get married,” and that “it’s not so terrible.”

But her distress and sense of disgust only intensified. The gap between their secret and what all the people around them thought about their relationship deepened.

Her parents knew nothing about it, but they noticed that she was not at peace with the approaching marriage.

One day her mother said one sentence to her, which redeemed Aviva from a marriage doomed to failure: “Don’t get married if you don’t love him.”

Aviva informed her fiancé that she wanted to break up, and then began the stage of threats, pressure, and accusations. Only after she fled abroad did he express remorse and admit guilt. He asked Aviva to return to Israel, but she was already determined to end the relationship and hoped that this would conclude the sad chapter in her life.

She was mistaken. Aviva sank into depression and struggled to concentrate and move forward. She did not lose her faith in Yeshua, but her life became a long and ongoing struggle trying to forget what had happened.

Out of a desire to protect the good name of her youthful love, she continued to harm herself. Many years have passed since then, and to this day she is filled with guilt and shame. The offender, on the other hand, continues to function without any practical consequences for what he did to her. He did not truly repent. Even today, in his 60s, he is still active among believers.

While she was abroad, Aviva told a Messianic leader about it. He confirmed that indeed a wrong had been done to her, but he too did not take any steps to bring about the offender’s correction or punishment. Only today, decades later, does she understand that the matter was not handled properly, and that the consequences of sexual abuse do not simply go away!

Rakefet

Rakefet was 15 years old when she volunteered to help at one of the Messianic settings during the summer break, far from her parents’ home. The employer, a single believing and charismatic man, was almost 20 years older than her. He complimented her on her diligence, and often invited her at the end of the workday for a drive in his car.

He advised her when she was uncertain about various matters, mainly regarding the tension that prevailed between her and her parents at the time. Rakefet enjoyed the fatherly treatment and became increasingly dependent on him. But gradually he began to exploit their relationship to satisfy his sexual needs. It started with caresses and became a full sexual relationship.

Rakefet tried to resist, but he explained that he simply wanted to help her mature. She tried to break off the relationship, but could not cope with the anger and disappointment she caused to the one who until then had provided her with support.

Her life became an ongoing nightmare. No one knew what was happening to her, not her parents and not her friends. Rakefet understood

that this relationship was forbidden and destructive. But only when she returned to her parents’ home at the end of the summer break did she find the strength needed to put an end to it.

The years passed. He left the country in the meantime, and she did not file a complaint about the assault. “He harmed the things most precious to me,” she recounts. “My trust and my body. He deceived and exploited me.” She has difficulty believing that the blame is entirely his, that he exploited the authority and power he had and the age gap between them.

It is not known to us whether he is paying any price for his conduct, whether this was a one-time incident or serial behavior. Rakefet, for her part, continues to pay the price. Her life is conducted in the shadow of shame, fear, and guilt. She has since married, but that assault affects her functioning as a wife, mother, and friend. She has difficulty trusting people, especially believers in positions of authority, and suffers from severe anxiety attacks.

Ronen and Ilanit

The two enrolled in a Messianic training program. Ronen pursued her, but she showed no interest. One day he even forced himself on her.

Ilanit feared he would harm other women as well, and approached the leaders of that program. They sought legal and professional help, took several measures required by law pending clarification of the facts, and in the meantime made sure to keep Ronen away from the other participants. They also reported this to the leaders of his congregation, but Ronen refused to take responsibility for his actions. At a certain point there was no choice but to remove him from the program. Unfortunately, in the end he also left the congregation.

Ilanit chose not to file a complaint with the police, but did receive appropriate treatment for several months. Thank God, for her this story is a thing of the past.